Remembered-By-God: 8 months......

8 months......

How, how has it been 8 months since I kissed Zach’s face for the last time.

How has it been 8 months since his brothers have been able to give him snuggles before bedtime?
How has it been 8 months, but yet feels like it was just yesterday I was walking him back to the operating room for his 18th surgery?

How has it been 8 months since I had to hand him over again to the surgeons?

How has it been 8 months since I had to pray that God would let us have Zach back after that surgery?

How has it been 8 months since we had to experience our absolute worst nightmare?

How has it been 8 months and I haven’t woken up from the nightmare?

How has it been 8 months and I’ve still kept going?
How has it been 8 months and there are days I feel like I literally cannot do a thing?

How has it been 8 months?.......................................

I have been reflecting on the last 5 years, the years of Zachary. We learned so much medically, emotionally, and about complete and utter reliance on God. When you have to hand your child over for surgery over and over again, the only thing you can do is pray and let God work however He wants to. We knew from the beginning God had a plan. We knew we may not like His plan.

God allowed us to care for Zachary for almost 5 years. We did not think we would get to spend one day with Zach, so 5 years is amazing. It’s amazing and hard at the same time. That means now we have those memories of 5 years, which I am thankful for, but would love to have had another 20 years of memories.

As we continue to go on with life, it is a struggle to start a “new” life. This means now Zach’s memories are getting farther and farther away. Starting the new year, a year without Zach. How can that be? We somehow keep going day by day. God's grace is enough. We have to continue to lean into Him and know whatever is to come is ultimately to glorify His kingdom. I sit and wait and pray and listen to what God has next for me.

I don’t like to wait...

I want to move on now and know what I should do now, but I don’t, so I try to wait and enjoy the time I have to be still.

We continue to covet your prayers for our family. The boys are doing ok. They miss Zach so much. Josiah still almost every night will ask to talk about Zachary, so we do. We try to follow their lead when they are missing him.