The Sun Sets on 2018

I had no idea how ringing in the New Year would be so hard.  Everyone is so excited and talking about what they have planned for 2019 and I am kind of at a loss.  I don't want to embrace the New Year.  It may seem weird not wanting to say "good-bye" to the worst year we have every had in our life but it means that every year from now on will be without Zachary.  It is a double edge sword.  I am SO thankful he is whole, healthy, and we do not have to worry about his health anymore but I would go back to worrying about him in a heart beat.   I know that moving on year to year means we are closer to seeing him again but leaving the memories and moving farther from those memories is hard.

2018 was filled with so much.  Zach was able to stop being fed through his feeding tube, he was able to attend his second year of preschool, Zach was able to be a ring bearer in his uncle Daniel's wedding, we were all able to take an amazing summer vacation two weeks before his surgery, and so many other things that we all got to enjoy as a family.

2018 is also the year we had to send Zach in for his 18th surgery not knowing what the out come would be.  We had to watch our youngest son Zachary take his last breath as he went to the arms of Jesus.  We had to decide whether we would bury or cremate our son, we had explain to our older two boys why their brother is now in heaven.

The day Zachary died we had to have our sitter bring the boys to the hospital.  The boys came into the hospital jumping with excitement because they thought they would be seeing their brother alive and happy, but instead David had to have the hardest conversation of his life with his boys.  He had to sit in a little room at the hospital explaining to them that Zachary had passed away and they would be coming into Zachary's hospital room and Zach would not be there.  NO one should have to go through this.

As I am writing this I am having a hard time.  How is this even real?  2018 is the year that we had to give Zachary back to the Creator of the universe.  Why would He ask us to do that?  Why would God take Zachary from us.  Well, God knew from the day Zachary was born that Zach had a certain number of days on earth and God accomplished what He needed to in Zach in his 4 1/2 years he was here.  David and I have had to learn to kiss the wave that crushes us against the Rock of Ages.

I know that God has amazing things for us in 2019 but I am not ready to let go of 2018.  Thank you to everyone who has been by our side and continue to be with us as we continue this journey we are on. 

                                                      Enjoy Pictures from this past year!

Pre-Op Jan 2018 Back Surgery 

Zachary LOVED his Uncle Daniel 

Zachary's favorite shirt from the Truebloods!!  This picture was taken Jan. 2 2018

Dancing with Mommy (We did this a lot) :-)

Passing time at a doctor's appointment 

Snuggles 

Uncle Josh!

He's cool!!  Having fun at the NICU Reunion 

Just being cute 

Puzzle with Uncle Dean

Zachary wanted to be a Fireman! 

Mothers day at the train park

Last Mothers Day with all three of my boys 

Only in AZ do you wear long sleeve shirt, long pants, and FLIP FLOPS :-) 

Giving daddy advice on how to install the new floor! 

He really was a cowboy at heart 

His chewy mask he was going to wear after his last surgery down the halls at PCH. 

Mustache Man!!

Car pick up buddy!!  He loved acting like a big boy and buckling himself in as we waited for Micah and Josiah 

Big Shots at D-back game!

At PCH getting ready to film a short thank you video to the nurses 

He was SO silly!  Minion glasses

Goofy face 

Sunday Church 

Admiring Aunt Claudia's new ring from Uncle Daniel  

Rehearsal time for Uncle Daniels wedding 

The cutest ring bearer ever!! 

Last formal family picture with all of us in April 

No caption needed!

Hanging with Grandpa Jeff

Hanging out on one of the planes at the USS Midway this summer 

San Diego Zoo Sky Tram 

LegoLand

Fun day at the Zoo this summer 

My boys!

Had to call Auntie Suey on vacation 

Bumper boats with daddy!

Kisses!!!  Oh how I wish I could have just one more.  

SAND!

Zachary truly was
HALF THE HEART TWICE THE JOY!

Tired after a long week of vacation

Family Pictures last November 2017.

Love him so so much 

Don't even know what to say

Zachary LOVED his daddy

Last kiss before we had to hand him over for surgery 

Being goofy before surgery 

The HARDEST part is waiting and waiting.  This was surgery number 18 and the nightmare finally came true.  He didn't make it this time.  Every time we had to hand him over we always wondered if that would be the time we would have to face the hardest day of our life and have to leave the hospital without of little boy.  This was that day. 

I hate the fact that our boys had to experience this.   

Balloon release at Zachary's service 

Stage at Zachary's service 

Micah and Josiah's hands on Zachary's urn.