Remembered-By-God: 365.......

365...... It has been 365 days since I said goodbye and kissed my boy. We left to drive to Phoenix Childrens Hospital on June 6, 2018 at 5:15am. We arrived at the hospital and went to admitting to check in for Zachary's heart surgery. We went up to the pre-op room on the 4th floor and got all settled in and signed consent papers and waited for them to say it was time.

Zachary learned that one way to ignore the stress of pre-op was to be a clown. He would giggle, he would laugh. I stepped out for a minute and then came back and Zachary asked me " Who are you?" The staff in the room that didn't know him, stiffened up as if an intruder came in. The ones that knew us all laughed at Zachary. We held back our tears trying to enjoy the moment.

At 7:30am they came in and said they were ready to take him back to the OR. I was able to walk Zachary back and hold him while they gave him the "sleepy medicine." Little did I know that would be my last good-bye. The last time I would hear him cry, the last time I would give his warm head a kiss, the last time I would see him look at me like he wanted me to take him away to a faraway island somewhere. I will never, ever forget those moments.

How has it been 365 days since those memories??

After he was in the operating room, we went to the waiting room on the 5th floor for the 18th time. This surgery was Zachary's 18th surgery. We got settled in up there and knew it would be a physically demanding and emotionally LONG day. We did not know how long it would be but normally the surgery he was having was about an 8hr surgery.

Zachary was in surgery for 14hrs that day. It was 9pm before we were able to go back and see him. They would update us throughout the surgery. Most of the updates we got were encouraging until the end. He had complications towards the end of the surgery. They took him off of the heart-lung bypass machine but Zach was not doing well. They completed some tests like an echo and a couple other things and found he had a piece of tissue blocking where blood should have been flowing through his heart. When they realized this they had to then go back and put him on the heart lung bypass machine.

Going on and off that machine is CRAZY hard on the body so having to go on and off of it twice was too much. Zachary's little body did not tolerate that. They were able to correct that issue and stabilize him a little. They were able to bring him up to the recovery room on the 5th floor. The doctors let us know it would be a long night and that Zachary may have to go on ECMO (heart & lung machine/life support). His blood pressure was extremely low and they were giving him all the medications they could to bring it up.

Zachary made it through the night, but the next morning was rough. I was sitting by his bedside holding his hand and I was watching his blood pressure and it just started to go. His systolic number started to drop by 10's. It was already at about 70 so it went FAST. I proceeded to push my chair back because I knew he was tanking and they would probably have to call a code. Sure enough, they did. We sat on the little couch in the corner watching everyone rush in to do what they do. We sat there praying "PLEASE GOD, NO." Zach had been through a couple codes before and came out the other side.

They made us leave the room so they could try to get Zach hooked up to the ECMO machine (basically life support). We went back to the waiting area we were in the previous day. We watched as nurses came back and forth with blood from the blood bank to give to Zach. It was really pure torture sitting there for the hour.

Meanwhile, our other boys were at VBS that week. We had a friend watching them and taking them. We had to call her and tell her not to take them to VBS Thursday morning because Zach took a turn for the worst. After about 45 min of waiting in the waiting area, I asked if someone could give me an update on Zach. A poor resident came out and tried to give an update. I am pretty sure he knew it wasn't going to be good, but he tried so hard to assure us they were still working on getting Zach hooked up to the machine.

After that update we called and asked for Hannah to drive down to the hospital with the boys. The boys came bouncing into the hospital because they thought they were going to see their little brother. Then about 15 min later Zach's surgeons came out. He walked out quite and I just looked at him and said "what is going on," he then proceeded to say "it isn't good." After those words the entire room spun and everything he went on to say was muffled and I heard nothing. I couldn't even believe it.

HOW IN THE WORLD WAS HE GONE?

I had just kissed his sweet little cheeks the previous morning and Zach was so excited they were going to "fix" his heart. We went on a vacation 2 weeks before that surgery and Zach asked every other day when was is time for his heart to get fixed.

Well, his heart got fixed perfectly this time. Not the way we wanted, but Zach got his wish of having his heart fixed. Hannah brought the older two boys up to the fifth floor and told them they had to go in this little room first. David came out and had to sit with them and explain that Zachary's heart stopped and he died. The boys had NO idea what to think or how to process what had just taken place. My heart hurt for them. No father should have to have that conversation with his little kids. We were able to have a little time in Zachary's hospital room to say our goodbye's.

How does one walk out of their son's room and have to go home without him knowing he will never be coming home again? I will NEVER forget the nurse we had that morning. She was an angel. My heart broke for her as she had to hold and care for him as we left. The tears on her face of loosing one of "theirs" on the fifth floor was one of the hardest things she has had to do and the hardest thing I have ever had to do is leave my dead son in her arms.

God has carried us through this past year. We have had a lot of opportunities to make new memories as a family which has been good for us. We have many good days and other days where you feel like you can't do a thing. We are beyond grateful to everyone who has been carrying us through this awful time. God is good, even through the crappiest of times.