Heres the Deal

My open letter to God. Your welcome to read along. Many of our blog posts are uplifting and encouraging. This one is as real as it gets.


God,

Do you know what I am going thru? Do you know how hard it is without Zachary here on earth?  I am trying to lead this family thru this time but there are 90 million emotions that we are all struggling with every single day. How does a dad do that? Huh?

A dad should not have to plan a funeral service for their little boy. The support that you gave us was great but it would be even better if Zachary made it thru that surgery and came home.

Do you know how frustrated I am? Not like I smashed my finger in the door frustrated or even like a really tough problem at work. This is deeper, personal. I miss my Zachary.  When I would get home from work, all three boys would squeal "Daddy" and run to give me a huge hug. Now, there are just two hugs.

Do you know that this week is back to school? Zachary would be going to Mountain Shadows preschool. It was a great program for him. The teachers and therapists loved him. He had such a smile and made lots of friends.

Do you know that going back to school will be hard on his brothers? At the start of the school year, kids go around and say what fun things they did during the summer. Well, Micah and Josiah have a different story.

Do you know that I havent had a week of restful sleep since the end of May? Prior to all this, I usually slept great! I lay down to bed at a decent time but then *zing* wide awake like a little demon suddenly blesses me with another 4 hours of tossing, turning and sadness.

I hate this. I hurt. You created the heavens and the earth. You gave us soo many miracles with Zachary. You could have easily given one more. I researched and studied to find the best surgeons and hospital staff to care for Zachary. Why did you allow this?


...


I do know that you know. You are carrying us thru this time. You wept when one of your best friend's died even when you had the power to raise him (Lazarus). You hurt like I do. You are sad like I am sad. You are the only one that knows my every thought and my heart. You knew that this would hurt like only you would.

You know even as a dad. You gave up your son to die for me. Your plan included Jesus' death so that I may be saved. Jesus even begged for a way out but then yielded to your plan. You hurt so much that the earth became dark and the ground shook like never before when Jesus died.

But your plan didnt stop there... your son rose again and beat death. Jesus died and rose again so I may go to heaven. Your plan is beyond my understanding. I guess thats why you're God and I'm me.

You knew that we care soo much for kids that struggle with heart defects and we couldnt help them unless Zachary was in heaven. Even this weekend, a baby boy was helped due to our experience with Zachary.  I do not know how many other kids and families will be helped by this experience but I trust it will be a lot.

I hurt God. I hurt. I know that your plan is absolutely awesome but I hurt. God I need you to help me thru this.

- David