5 months

A very special post from Zachary’s Suey.   

Well buddy, it was 5 months ago today that you made your grand entrance into heaven.  I wonder do you have any idea of the grief you left behind?  I took your daddy and mommy and JJ and Micah some chocolate doughnut holes this morning to celebrate you.  That was our go to when you wouldn’t eat.  Although I think you figured that out and said you weren’t hungry just to get a chocolate donut!  I miss you more than you could ever know.  Life seems a little dull and dusty some days. And other days it is hard to just keep breathing. I watched videos this morning of the last day you spent at my house… the Monday before surgery.  You spent the night Sunday and wanted to make choc chip pancakes for breakfast ‘cause that’s what we do at Suey’s house.   So we did of course.  What you couldn’t eat we froze for next time…but next time never came.  Will I ever be able to take that pancake out of the freezer?  You wanted to ride Ace but Uncle Dean wasn’t here to help and it takes 2 for you to ride so I brought your saddle up to the porch for you to ride on.  You held your lasso high in the air with that precious crooked arm of yours and rode fast and hard, beating all the other horses.  Then we had to go inside and watch Sea Biscuit and you made me fast forward to all the racing scenes.  You rode the spring horse then to race against the others.  I was reminded again of the miracle you are; of the many months spent trying to climb on and how hard we worked to get your little leg up there.  You were working with your 3 fingers and a thumb on righty and fingers that wouldn’t bend on lefty to hold on without falling off.  You were so proud when you accomplished that!!  And I would just watch you struggling to do it on your own, hiding my tears at your determination to do what all other kids could do at half your age.  You broke my heart over and over do you know that?   Then we set up the duplos to make a race track and race the horses that I bought you in Montana last year. Ace always wins, I think because he is the boy horse and you couldn’t let the girl win…  Playing with you was never work, never my job…it was a treasured experience.  How many times did I say to God, “I can’t believe You allow me to get paid for this?”  This has been a rough day Zach.  But for you? It’s a day of celebration and joy, of wholeness and pure perfection in body, mind and soul.  You my love are with Jesus and how could I ever want you to be anywhere else.  So I will choose to celebrate with you in my tears and rejoice for you in my sorrow.  And look forward to that glorious day when you can introduce me to the literal arms of Jesus.  With all my heart, your Suey